Is it possible to be simultaneously
comfortable and uncomfortable in an inter-personal relationship? Absolutely,
happens more often than we realize, though a person doesn’t necessarily have to
be in an abusive relationship for this to happen. We humans are unique in so many ways;
therefore, no single individual approaches life’s ups and downs in the same
manner. However, we are all similar in one respect; humans are “creatures of habit.”
Let’s start off with a simple example of
human habit. ”Happy Hour” at the local
watering hole! Every day after work people have a few drinks in order to
satisfy their mindset about what therapeutic value this has for them. The question is though, is it a responsible
zone to be within? That would depend upon the individual. Remember, people are
at Happy Hour for various reasons, none of which are the same between any one
of them. Though this may be the case, the common denominator is this; they are
all there for comfort in some form or fashion. Could simply be the social
interaction, it could be just for the alcohol itself. It could go emotionally
deeper, loss of a loved one, or they themselves being terminally ill. Despite
what those specific reasons are, the habit is created / formed, and it becomes
a source of comfort.
Let’s just take our everyday routine of
raising children, being a husband or a wife, the duties we perform as
such, complacency sets in, and we begin
to feel unfulfilled. Sound familiar to anyone?
This is where the individual copes with the rigors of life (comfort
zone) but knows that there has to be more to life than what their daily routine
offers. This could play out in several different ways once this mental
interruption has taken place. In other words, the habit, the routine, the
comfort zone will evolve, good, bad, or indifferent. The inter-personal
relationship will no doubt be affected, good, bad, or indifferently. In the
largest share of such cases, it normally works out bad, or indifferent, rather
than good. Taking it one step further, mostly indifferent, which places the
relationship back into the comfortable, yet uncomfortable zone. This is common
in cases of physical abuse, where the man or woman on the receiving end of the
abuse knows it’s wrong; however, they make the conscious decision to remain in
this abusive relationship. It has become habit to the abused, therefore, they
are comfortable. So many abused people get out of these types of relationships
only to find themselves back in another abusive relationship. Is it simply a matter of bad choices?
Partially yes. It’s hard to break a habit, like smoking. Those who smoke know
full well it’s bad for them, yet, they continue to smoke. Same with the abuse, be it physical, verbal,
or emotional abuse.
I have a dear friend that spent many years in
a physically abusive relationship. She and I have known each other since
childhood. I know this woman well, she is beautiful inside and out,
well-educated, and well established financially. She has remained unmarried for
a number of years, and has dated with little satisfaction. I have been conferring with her about the
most recent relationship, and this gentleman (I use that term loosely!) appears
to be a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual. The stories
she has conveyed about this man scream classic traits and characteristics of an
NPD. He also has the propensity to be physically abusive when drinking. So why
does she remain? I need to confer with
her a bit more, but it seems she is falling back into the physically abusive
zone where she was once “comfortable” for many years. It’s like placing the
reformed addict’s drug of choice on the table and then saying, “it’s up to
you!” At the very least, you will
migrate towards that drug, all the while knowing it would be a bad decision /
choice. I asked my friend one simple
question, “Why do you continue to expose yourself to this man?” Her reply was
“I don’t know!?”
Now let’s take a generation step backwards.
We have talked about ourselves, our habits, our routines, our comfort zones,
but what about our mothers and fathers? How were we raised to think and
believe? What did we witness, and fill our minds with by virtue of our exposure
to them? Much of their actions, beliefs, etc. impacted how we think, believe,
and react. Their adversity was our adversity; their love was our love, and so
on. So in answer to my dear friend’s
question, I provide the following excerpt:
There are many definitions used to talk about
codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to
acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an
alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a
result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has
expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living
and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a
set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order
to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.
o
maladaptive -
inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
o
compulsive -
psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious
desires in which to behave.
o
sources of great
emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness;
chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse;
divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater
tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people
who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the
codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the
relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves
up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters
someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their
own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy
boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if
codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors
and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
Could this be my friend? Could this be you?
It’s a hard pill to swallow for any of us to admit that we could indeed be a
codependent personality. To believe that we could possibly be “maladaptive” is
not only a slap in the face; it’s a “black-eye!” We created a deeply embedded “comfort zone”
for ourselves as children, and then carried that comfort into our adult lives.
Creatures of habit we are indeed.
It’s not as bad as you think, for acceptance
that we have mismanaged our lives in order to cope with our personal /
inter-personal environment, both as children and adults, is the first step
towards recreating a new world for ourselves. My friend is right, she truly
didn’t know, she realizes it’s wrong, but why? She is thinking in present
terms, when the problem essentially relates to our earliest memories of
childhood, the environment in which we were raised. In essence, she has to
break the old habit of controlling her life to suit the needs of others and to
understand where the basis of that need was derived, i.e., her family
(Mother/Father/siblings). Such an
epiphany is life changing, and without these realizations we could never know
why we do what we do. What we must realize most of all is this, “Do we deserve
happiness?” Absolutely, and it’s never too late to make it your reality.
©Betty
Jean Bowers
